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why I’ll never be a myspace whore

About six months ago, I did something that I vowed I would never do.

I joined MySpace.

I wish I had a decent excuse as to why I did. Like someone threatened to kick a puppy or release my student films. It pains me to admit that I did it for the most juvenile of reasons: everyone else was doing it. MySpace was the final frontier. So I jumped on the bandwagon and hitched a ride. Amidst the 16-year old cheerleaders who love sex, the southern debutantes who attend church and smoke a bong afterwards in the parking lot, and the gawthic models who don’t have the money to fix their teeth but spend hundred of dollars on fantasy swords, I learned quickly that I was not going to be popular in this arena.

I don’t have what it takes to be a MySpace Whore.

Why?

*My profile doesn’t have picture in the background of my profile that makes it impossible to read the text.


I had thought MySpace was a place to make connections with other people. Find old friends – or new ones. No, MySpace is a scene out of Clockwork Orange where we’re lashed to a chair, our eyelids pried open to witness the assault on our retinas. It’s a flashback to a 1996 geocities page, a loving homage to the “more is more” mentality, except that instead of animations of kittens knitting we’ve got jpegs of sparkly naked women.

That's progess.

Speaking of 1984, the second reason that I’ll never be a MySpace Whore?


*I’m too old.


MySpace is an army of 18 to 23 years olds. If you actually take the time to sit down and read their profiles, they resemble more a Legion of Doom. They hate their mothers, love their boyfriends/girlfriends, and love to drink (especially if they’re under 21 – bonus points for pictures of their underage selves consuming liquor). And sex? They’re having it constantly, natch.

Since I mention mothers…


*My mother is not a “Dirty Pirate Hooker.”


There’s a glut of people on MySpace whose mothers are Dirty Pirate Hookers. Back in the 80’s, jobs were scarce and these women had to do whatever they could to survive. Kudos!

Continuing with the mom theme…


*I don’t write rants on how much I hate my mother. I haven’t threatened to kill her – or actually killed her.


The quickest way to up your friend count is to murder someone. Moms are so overrated, anyway. I mean, like,they totally get inthe way of doing stuff. I mean, not anything in particular, it's justlike, they're always there, y'know. Like when you want to do stuff.

Even if you're being arraigned, Tom will still be your friend.

As for something a little less benign…


*I use proper punctuation and grammar.


I’m puzzled by the need to shorten every word we type. Is everyone so incredibly busy that a few extra keystrokes will seriously cut into our busy schedule of “kickin’ it wit’ my friends” and watching The O.C.? srsly u guyz!!!! how r u? rite? u now it! I culd rite a slack lyke it & every 1 wuld luv it! y? i luv u 2!

I didn't have spellcheck when I was growing up, and yet those who did can't seem to use it.

Speaking of grammar…


*I don’t use Intercapitalization.


I’m not exactly sure when wRiTiNg LiKe ThIs BeCaMe PoPuLaR. It's as if ee cummings had Tourette's. Intercapitalization seems to be the mode of expression unique to women 14 to 23. One cannot even typecast the Intercapitalizer – she seems to be into everything from God and cheerleading to anorexia and cutting. The one thing we can say for sure? They’re not worried about doing a little extra work. Pressing the shift key every other letter can get tiring.


*I don’t leave flashing, sparkly comments on other people’s pages.


Why write like this when instead you can write like a




Now that I’ve blinded you, let’s paint an even scarier picture…


*I don’t post nude, semi-nude, high-contrast self-portraits of myself.


Hundreds of thousands of amateurs out there to try their hand at modeling, in the hopes that they’ll be the next cover of Glamour or Vogue. There are a few who are actually fabulous-looking with interesting work, but the majority couldn’t cut it at a gun show. I know that amateur porn is popular, is there that huge of a call for hairy wildebeests wearing black lipstick posing on dirty flowered sheets? Photoshop and background styling is your friend. Yes, you're all beautiful and unique flowers with a right to share it with the world. Just as I have the right to snark it.

The last reason I’ll never be popular on MySpace?


*I rarely use the word “whore.”


I don’t call people whores. Not because I don’t appreciate the word, it’s just not the first thing that comes to mind when leaving comments. I wander from page to page, amazed at the amount of whores who are out there. Young whore, old whores, best friends, cousins, acquaintances, that guy you met at work. They’re all whores. Whore is the new black. You read it here first.

MySpace is like High School, and I didn’t do such a great job of figuring that out, either.

Although looking at the title of this article, I have just realized that I have referred to myself as a whore. It’s a slippery slope into the MySpace MindFrame. Perhaps there’s hope for me yet.